Procrastination, Procrastination

Ha, ha, ha! Today is funny--I'm getting a better grasp on mindfulness. The idea has come around again that putting off one thing puts off others as well, that when I'm missing something I want it's usually because I'm avoiding something I don't want to do.

My girl told me yesterday that I'm patient with her, and I thought, "Really, how to know something like that?" I guess that at a relatively elementary level, patience is like forcing myself to not be impulsive or pushy or frustrated. One step up, being patient is supported by realizing when being pushy isn't helpful anyway; sometimes that conceptual justification helps. One more step up, though, and we get to mindfulness. The nature of "patience" seems to change with mindfulness, when waiting becomes an opportunity to appreciate peacefulness in the moment. So most times, I don't FEEL patient with her, I feel like I'm paying attention to what's going on with us at the time, and I'm happy to be there with her. It's only when I'm not feeling mindful that I have to push myself to TRY to be patient.

But I've been spending a lot of time with reluctance lately, too. Reluctance feels like the opposite of this willingness which allows mindfulness. Because she's my girl, it's usually easy to feel mindful about being with her. I want to pay attention, I'm willing to be present. It's harder sometimes to do that on my own, to be mindful about myself.

The interesting thing about it is that mindfulness on its own never really attracted me much. It works nicely that way, that it is something that is hard to want--it's unsatisfying just to think about it. Being hard to want on its own makes it like an open window or view onto what is actually happening. Instead of wanting the window glass, we can look through that clear glass and recognize the spaciousness outside; when we do that, there is a response inside that feels like opening.

So I notice that when I feel reluctant, it's usually because I don't feel spaciousness. I often make the mistake of thinking there is no spaciousness in the part of the world I'm in at the moment, no room to move in the things I should be doing. (Some people try to get rid of "shoulds" altogether, and that's funny to me to--you shouldn't shit where you sleep.) Mindfulness, though, is like that window into spaciousness but I have to check whether I'm willing to look "out", whether I'm willing to admit openness. The willingness is itself the openness, on the inside, and when I look with openness, I see openness. That's the type of world I want to live in. When mindfulness is present, the reluctance doesn't have a place to land. It has no cause, no power, where is it? Where has it gone? Ha, ha, ha! When mindful appreciation is present, why go looking for reluctance?! No sense "shitting" where I could be peaceful.

That sense of peaceful openness, and the accompanying mental energy no longer tied up in some sort of frustration, are themselves the possibilities I wanted to experience. The inside action-energy to the outside forms I want to see. Why put off feeling that energy in openness?