Regarding Others Equally

For a long time I've been wondering what would be a complimentary form of contemplation/meditation to go along with mindfulness training. Much of the mindfulness training I have been exposed to is somewhat depersonalizing, so it is very helpful in creating the space that allows one to drop a great deal of one's negatively reactive responses, but it doesn't necessarily help beginners become more connected with other people and connective emotionality. This is not meant as a slam on mindfulness training in general or on any particular techniques, nor is my exposure to various techniques exhaustive. But in my experience, mindfulness leads people away from habitual reactivity and also often leads away from connectivity to some extent. Stepping away from habitual reactivity is like opening the door to a more immediate and authentic connection, but it's still necessary to step through that door.

I'm a big fan of Traleg Kyabgon's book MIND AT EASE. One of the few aspects of this book that can make it somewhat inaccessible or not directly and deeply applicable (especially if you spend your life grinding through books on meditation to distill techniques and effects!) is the number of suggested meditations. I've often felt like, "Well, there are so many things to possibly focus on, how can I just focus on one? And which one? How do I know which one?" As my study focus and interest shifts somewhat away from an emphasis on neurological effects and metaphysical states, it is shifting towards emotions and relationships.

I believe there are probably one or two techniques that can be chosen as "essential" for each level of attentional ability. Obviously, mindfulness practice will be hugely important at the stage of Mindful Appreciation. But I also wondered if some seated meditation technique might be really applicable concerning the appreciation side to go along with the precision of mindfulness. Since a great deal of my remaining stress comes from interactions with other people, I'm most interested in turning that "stuck energy"--frustration and disappointment--into appreciation and communion. Our frustrations and desires and inspiration are usually closely connected.

I like Kyabgon's method of moving through a variety of steps in one meditation session. Starting off with releasing stress and deep breathing perhaps, establishing calm and some degree of clarity, and then incorporating some type of analytic or thoughtful contemplation into that state of tranquility or balanced mind. And, again from Kyabgon, I like the effects of comparing one sort of personal reaction to another. This is the one I find most solid, earthy, or fitting right now.

After about three minutes of calming and focusing--it may take up to twelve or so minutes to feel relatively calm and somewhat stable in one's calm--I spend a few minutes (maybe three to five again) thinking of everyday stress. I think of how I tend to be when I feel agitated or frustrated in my daily life. There's the exasperation in facing chores ("I don't want to do dishes again!"), worry (With all this traffic, how will I get there in time? If I'm late will I keep my job? How will I pay my bills if I lose my job?"), disappointment in myself and others (We should be so much better than this; I thought so much better of you/me"), frustrated aggression ("Get out of my way, Jackass!"). Although spending time in this frame of mind is unpleasant, I know I'm going back to it at some point tomorrow if I don't find a way to address it. I can't just feel nice when I feel agitated this way, and positive thinking doesn't do it for me. So I'm sharing what works for me. After I feel like I'm really "in" this sort of feeling, I switch gears. I shift to focusing on some instance when I helped someone, when I did something worthwhile for or with someone else that I can feel good about. I think about some instance where maybe I could help someone and I visualize myself helping. I think of some instance where I could use some help, and I visualize what it would be like if someone helped me then. I stay with this emotional feeling for a long time (I don't know what will feel like a long time to other folks). I listen to this feeling as a very important and basic part of human nature. And I take a few minutes, going slowly, to think about engaging with this part of other people when I run into them. I think about how this is part of their emotional make-up too, but that they may get caught up in their everyday preoccupations like I do. And I resolve to value this state of mind over being stressed, this type of action over those that are focused primarily on gaining me some comfort. (There is actually a different set of neurological pathways in the brain that are activated when we regard ourselves and our comfort as opposed to when we are generous with others.)

If this seems like too much of a "hearts and flowers" type of meditation, read ON KINDNESS. Rather than giving metaphysical "reasons" why we should be good, I tend to prefer the evolutionary psychology and neurophysiology that presents evidence on how we are social animals. So I've got more references if ON KINDNESS doesn't fit the bill for you. But the more we practice shifting out of self-regard-mode, the more able we are to get outside of our personally constructed mental prisons. The more we regard others, the more our minds "naturally" move in that direction without effort. And the happiest people are those who are most socially connected and active (along with getting into flow-states). That is simply how it is. This is one of the techniques that strikes me as directly applicable, effective, and fitting. Exemplary.